The ‘Constructive Criticism’ Tour - April 2006
(AKA Lincoln Revisited)(AKA The
Little Britain Tour - click HERE
for some photos)
Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me your beer…….
Several hundred years ago in a wind swept eastern corner of The British
Isles a Roman Legion came to conquer and rule. Lindum was established as
a trading post and centre for the Roman Invasion of our green and
pleasant land………..2000 years later and with a new name, Lincoln, a
smaller but far more deadly cohort of legionnaires were seen over the
horizon (a little late it must be said!) in a chariot from ‘Falcon
Hire’…..the Wyvern were on tour and coming to town.
A druid prayer was given by veteran Wyvern soothsayer Martin ‘Britticus’
Howe; to late for ‘beware the ides of March’ but just in time for
‘beware the lollitas and lagers of Lincoln!’
Despite the early promise of a well managed and well organised event,
with a superb breakfast at Wyvern Park, a rather inauspicious start to
the journey saw the breakdown of centurion ‘Spuddicus Twaticcus’ car at
Burnham on Sea. His resolve and assertion that the £32.54 (including
VAT) spent at ‘Quick Fit Auto Services’ was sufficient to ensure the
family chariot could reach Lincoln was soon dismissed by his waiting
team mates, who realised his unfortunate name was a warning of things to
come.
The breakdown gave John ‘biggus hangoverus in the world’ Paine and his
‘very attractive’ room mate Ross ‘asthmaticus’ Ward the opportunity to
stretch their legs and get a few admiring glances and catcalls from
several passing truckers……nice!
Kit bundled into the van the intrepid invaders travelled North and then
a bit East with Westie ‘old gittus’ at the wheel. Several ‘toilet
breaks’ and six hours later the horde arrived to do battle at wind swept
Digby. Two hours late and unable to walk more than a few yards (or
particularly straight!) the centurions, now led by the dragon slayer
himself Old Captain Tinnitus Tindallius were defeated narrowly by the
best the RAF could offer. Tries (two) by the old stalwart of the legion
Dougle ‘fat bastardus who ate all the pies’ James was not enough to win
the game for the Wyvern hordes!
Twatticus came on and made no difference, no change there then!!
Despite the loss camp was established and a watering hole was soon
found. The opposition Chieftan, ‘Fearsome Frenchie’ made his peace and
the Wyvern enjoyed a convivial evening with the Digby Celts (that is how
you spell it!). A drinking competition was won with ease and the journey
back to Lincoln was led, at the wheel, by aging gladiator Benchicus.
A short journey around the Lincoln ring road (if the Romans had built it
they would have made it far straighter) took just two minutes!!!!
Unfortunately several speed cameras were triggered on the journey and
Benchicus awaits the points and the fine with trepidation!
Despite the initial loss the cohort were not delayed and an evening of
rape, pillage and some snazzy dancing from Old gittus and Terry ‘horse
whisperus’ F**kwit added to an enjoyable evening which was completed
with the traditional and ancient Lincoln dish of Curry and Kebabs!
The inner sanctum of Taz ‘smalley arsicus’ Bailey met that evening to
discuss future plans in the quietest curry parlour in town.
Gareth ‘Pratticus’ Hughes was fleeced by the local hoteliers that same
evening, somehow paying to enter an establishment of disrepute twice
over! Re-enforcements soon arrived from the West, in the form of the
Harrison Tribe, alas without their Queen ‘Lois Bodicia’, but with the
virgin tourist Little H-icus, son of Big H-icus.
Saturday saw a convivial day watching the chariot race at Aintree and
the last remaining legion of Lincoln 4th XV’s was followed by a further
bout of drinking and dancing, all work and no play today!!
The final battle at North Kestevan saw the irrepressible Heindricke ‘big
grippicus’ Van Transvaal team up with fast running and hard charging Jim
‘aaaaaarghicus’ Duncan, Ross ‘asthmaticus’ Ward and Taz ‘smelly and now
sweaty arsicus’ Bailey rampage around the park to ease to a four tries
to one victory. Andy ‘unconsciousicus’ Coupe was despatched back to
legionnaires training camp to re-learn the art of tackling – You don’t
do it with your head stupid, let Heindricke do it!!
Find of the tour was the Antipodean legend Phil ‘Kiwicus’ who, playing
at scrum half for the first time capped a fine display with a truly
individual try. Why didn’t you tell me you were a scrumhalf Phil!
Phils dazzling display would have been the talk of the clubhouse BUT for
a chip and chase by the newly elected Captain Andrew ‘man mountain
molicus’ Freeman which earnt him the yellow card for such audacity and
stupidity! We all want to know what you would have done if you’d caught
it Moley.
An enjoyable victory but despite our conquering tour we all decided to
go home because it was very cold in Lincoln! (it snowed on the way
back!) Unfortunately this decision to return to Somerset has resulted in
several redundancies at the ever popular Lincoln eatery, kebabs a
speciality, ‘Dougles delight’ which has seen profits collapse in the
last 24 hours!!!! I can only guess it has something to do with that
committed gladiator Dougle ‘fat bastardus who ate all the pies’ James!
Seriously though……….thanks for supporting the tour it is not a club
record to take 21 away, but I think it is a club record to take 21
players, all of whom played!
The inner sanctum presented Moley with the keys to the Wyvern dressing
room for next season, dutifully accepted by the ever popular Man
Mountain. This followed a good deal of constructive criticism of Capt
Benchicus by his tour room mate and nemisis Tazzicus Sparticus who used
a rude word more than once to describe all events organised by his
leader!!!
Next game is V the invitation Presidents XV so get the womenfolk to wash
the tour shirts and press the undies - see you all on the 30th April!!
Captain Benchicus |