Wyvern Rugby Club Match Reports

Wyvern RFC 48 Spaxton RFC 0

(Jon Wren provides this week's words of wisdom on the match)

Captain Wren’s early concerns of how to play a squad of 23 were soon sorted when the Quantock warriors of Spaxton arrived at Wyvern Park with only eleven players. A far cry from previous encounters when they have arrived in fine fettle with a coach load not only of players, but also with half the village in tow! Following discussions Wyvern lent Spaxton Big H and little M (yet again, thanks fellas!), Pete Flook, Jim ‘aaaaaargh’ Duncan and Big Ben Twickenham.

It was much appreciated to ensure a game!

Despite these losses, a very impressive looking Wyvern ‘15’ soon illustrated their growing confidence and belief with a superb display, despite awful conditions for the backs and lots of mud for the forwards, to record a 48 to nil win. This fourth straight victory in as many weeks is testament to the continued dedication on the training pitch and superb game plan acumen from newly appointed ‘master tactician’ Moley, who was seen on more than one occasion orchestrating affairs and advising Director of Rugby Wren on the best way forward.

His front row colleagues were heard to say that not only is he better looking than Capt Bench but he knows how to play rugby! A Captain in the making (next season will do) without doubt!

Despite the hill, the wind and the mud, Wyvern turned around at half time with a 17 point advantage. This was complemented by a further five tries, three converted, in the second half. Top scorer of the morning was Andy Estate who ran in three tries, followed by Ross ‘asthmatic’ Ward and Matt Topsham with a brace apiece and the inimitable Taz, running in one of his usual grunting efforts. Eight tries in such conditions is very impressive in any ones book, especially that best seller ‘Wyvern RFC My Part in Its Downfall’ by JR Hartley (ghost writer for The Bench, with guest chapters from Dougle James and Tinney ‘Welsh T**t’ Tindall).

The appearance of Bluebird Paine, less cast, and the comeback from injury of Gareth Hughes bodes well for the end of the season, if they can find a place in the team!

Mark ‘marion’ Lees and Jimmy the Fish vied for a place on the bench in the warm, but both were needed and showed their class with great running and passing throughout, releasing the backs on several occasions. Taunton’s loss is most definitely our gain!

Martin Howe kept a controlled lid on affairs and ensured the game ran smoothly despite the conditions in his role as ‘match referee’, the cleanest knees on the park!

A guest appearance from Capt Wren in the dying minutes was met with a hushed reverence, especially from Eddie ‘attenshun’ Cullen and Taz Baily who questioned not only his parentage and intelligence, but his ability to make any decisions at all on the pitch. ‘Scrum back or kick again’, who in their right mind would ask for a scrum back, unbelievable!!!

Convivial Stella Artois’ and a very crowded dressing room were enjoyed post match.

Ross asked if all words in the match report could be kept to just two syllables this week. So, just for Ross’ sake, felicitations and confabulations on our continued season’s success!

The win/loss tally is now in credit with nine wins and ‘only’ eight losses. A very important game on Wednesday week, under floodlights, against a Bridgwater ‘3rd XV’ (usually with guests!). They beat us (rather literally) last year and a reversal is top of Captain Wren’s agenda. Look out for the text next weekend.

Wyvern RFC 15 Wellington 3rd XV 14

(An extremely excited and exhausted Jon Wren summarises this weeks match)

Remember last week when I said that that was the best win of the season – well forget that because this was definitely the win of the season!!

A confident Captain Wren awoke Sunday morning with a squad of 20 (not literally!) to beguile and harass the very best that Welly threes could muster. By 10:15 a fleeting glimpse of Fishy heading towards Branscombe with gorgeous navigator (no, not the ginger chinchilla Hoolie, off crutches and in a 3ft tubigrip, although he did make up a threesome apparently) set the mood for several retirements prior to the whistle for the start of the game. The squad soon diminished to 14.

However, the Wyvern's strength in depth yet again shone through and the finest 14 in the county set about upsetting the form book yet again! Changes aplenty saw the immovable front row union of Westie, Heindricke ‘f****ing hell what a tackle’ and the irrepressible ‘Big H’ set about ‘demolishing’ the Wellington scrum. A special mention must go to Harry who has been playing for the Wyvern for 72 years now and, at 87, shows no sign of retiring or tiring! After this performance it is evident that we are only just experiencing the very best from H. I always knew the front row was his best position (apparently Tinney ‘Welsh T***er’ Tindall always felt fly half was Harry’s position, it made Tinney look good on the wing!).

The arrival of Ben Twickenham (straight from a night on the tiles) to complement Ben Goddard in the second row, gave the Wyvern scrum a greater degree of strength and control. Our very own Borthwick and Grewcock in the engine room! The munch bunch had a guest appearance from Captain Wren who zealously handed the pack leader duties over to Ross ‘lucky b**terd who scores all the tries’ Ward. Our incumbent/incipid/ indecent/incontinent No8 rose to the challenge with great aplomb (look that one up Ross) and ensured that the pack were chivvied and chased around the park at every opportunity.

Munch, fresh back from his qualification and appointment as Wyvern Fitness Coach (some job that one!!), played yet another ‘blinder’ and despite two fractured knees, a black eye, truss chaffing and titanium groin inserts rubbing, yet again showed his class and quality by ‘munching’ one and all that came within range. His compatriots Ross and Heindricke were not to be outdone and ensured that the ‘munching’ continued whenever Guy was receiving treatment!

The first half was an evenly contested affair but Wyvern tackled there way to an eight point advantage following a superb penalty from Martin ‘the boot’ Howe and a quality try from Southern Hemisphere guest Phil ‘booster seat required’ Kiwi, who at last realised that he could out sprint the defence and scored confidently in the corner.

Little Mike, whose tackling, running and mark calling was impressive, was replaced at half time by the conservative running Pete Flook who laboured throughout the second half, but whose liberal passing and appearance at various places within the threequarter line led Capt Wren to believe he may be wasted on the wing (no 10 next week Pete!).

Wellington started the second half determined and soon scored to bring them to within 1 point. Wyvern replied with a try from the kick off after the pack, yet again, made Ross look good and provided him with another easy try, dragging him over the line from a metre out!!!!!

Well that’s how I saw it anyway!

The Wellington response was almost immediate with Jim ‘turncoat’ Duncan crashing over under the posts for a converted try, one point in it then!

Despite continued sorties into the Wyvern half the relentless tackling of Jamie ‘who put that car there’ Pollard and Andy ‘flat bed transporter’ ensured that a breakthrough was not going to happen. Matt Topsham, guesting at full back, as well as Howie at No 10, ensured that the kicking and defending duties were shared enabling the threequarters to keep the Wellington attacks at bay.

Rob Havill was at his inimitable and electric best and, when the rest of us are as fit as him, will, I promise, support his runs up the centre of the park!! Apparently Rob left his clothes in the changing room when he went to the gym after the game. Mrs Harvill needed an explanation for the clothes and I wanted an explanation as to how he managed a gym session after the game!

An excellent result which was illustrated by Capt Wrens post match oration which contained more expletives than he has used in his whole life!! A superb result which brings up our third victory in as many weeks.

Spaxton, the Quantock boys with their Massey Fergusons and Deutz Farr tractors will be visiting fortress Wyvern next Sunday, look out for the text on Wednesday!

P.S. a grovelling text message was received from Jez ‘babycham’ Harriss apologising for his failure to attend on Sunday after a night out with ‘the boys’. We might forgive you Jez!

Wyvern RFC 19 Wiveliscombe 3rd XV 0

In 1883 an island called Krakatoa erupted sending out shock waves that could be felt around the world. In February 2006 a big bloke from South Africa called Heindricke tackled several Wivvy players so hard that shock waves could be felt in the clubhouse 2 miles away!

This was, without doubt, the best performance of this turbulent season with a smallish squad of 17 travelling to the home venue (akin to a potato field) of Wivvy thirds, Plain Pond. In the past victories have been few and far between and Sunday was not, apparently, going to be an exception to this. The Wyvern team, with several regulars missing, ensuring the squad looked a little different in certain departments, fought tenaciously for this victory, and the scoreline illustrates a superb display of defensive rugby as well as flashes of ‘genius’ which resulted in three great tries.

Despite much mickey taking about Captain Wren parking his car several hundred yards away, it soon became evident to the p**s takers that the club car park was not a safe place to be as our stalwart ‘veteran’ Howie Howe peppered vehicles with a superb display of tactical kicking, controlling the game at almost every turn. The only exception to this was when he was vomiting blood following several solo runs which belied his advancing years. I’m not sure what Monday will bring for the ‘old timer’ (a quiet cup of tea and a morning of deskbound duties I suspect!).

The Wyvern pack were continually in the ascendancy, with Eddie Cullen unrelenting in his play, dominating the blindside flank as well as much of the loose play. His gentle encouragement to all and his wise words were a source of continued inspiration to every one on the park. His colleagues in the back row, Ross and Munch, were never far away, appearing in the backs, at the breakdown and in the loose. The newly formed front row union of Moley, Persil Cockram and Heindricke did not budge an inch all morning. Rod’s transformation from flying winger to front row specialist is almost complete – just a few more curries and lagers should do it! Apparently Moley has been his inspiration as well as his dietician and fitness advisor!!

And as for those tackles form Heindricke, well I’m bloody glad he is on our side!!

Jez Harris, growing in confidence as each game passes showed great pace to open the scoring for Wyvern, having been released by Skippy Squire whose pass took out the whole of the Wivvy defensive line. Jez collected with ease and out sprinted the covering Wivvy backs to score under the posts. Howie, between wheezy respiratory attacks, converted.

An opposition lineout proved to be the next happy hunting ground for Wyvern, when ‘Mad Max’ Hoyall brilliantly picked up a loose throw by the Wivvy hooker to barge his way towards and over the try line. Howie converted from, almost, the touchline.

Fourteen nil up at the break and Capt Wren was so excited at the prospect of a win that he forgot about his impending family lunch and continued into the second half – this was one that was not going to be missed. Pete Flook and Little Mike replaced the incumbent wingers to continue the defensive qualities of the backs, who along with Jamie ‘who put that car there’ Pollard ensured that no Wivvy back strayed past the Wyvern defensive line.

Despite continued pressure the Wyvern tackling, from number one to fifteen, remained resolute. Andy Sports Coupe (2 litre injected) showed his full range of skills at fullback, constantly clearing loose Wivvy kicks and setting up attacking positions.

The concerns of a Wivvy comeback were soon ‘put to bed’ by Munch Loader who scored a much deserved try to put Wyvern three converted scores ahead. An excellent and well deserved win.

Wellngton, who will be after revenge for their defeat earlier in the season, await next Sunday. Look out for the text on Wednesday.

Wyvern RFC 48 Millbourne Port RFC 0

Director of Rugby, Jon Wren, reports on a this weeks match

The first visit of Millborne Port for at least 10 years saw an entertaining morning’s rugby at Wyvern Park on Sunday. Due to the East Somerset ‘Black Death’ only twelve travelled from the far side of the County, but the visitors were quickly made up to fifteen as big Dan, Big H and Little Mike guested for the opposition. It was agreed that all three looked resplendent in yellow and green (see photo), especially Big H who carried the colours off with aplomb!

The first half was a rather one sided affair with Wyvern, embarrassed by the amount of ball running in tries from Ross ‘asthmatic’ Ward (two) Rob ‘catch me if you can’ Harvill and Jamie ‘who parked that car there’ Pollard (two). The Millborne defence was strong throughout although it was often a case of them running out of numbers.

Half time saw the switch of Ross and Heindricke to the opposition and the introduction of Jez and Ben G to the Wyvern. Despite further scores the second half was a far more even sided contest. Tries from the ever marauding Munch Loader (two) and Mad Max Hoyall saw the score line creeping towards the 50 mark. Continued tackling by all the Millborne players ensured this mark was not reached.

Highlights of the second half included Eddie ‘atten-shun’ Cullen’s move, cat like through the centre of the park, sidestepping the opposition at will, until he remembered how old he really was and stopped to pass the ball to a younger team mate - the Eddie of old! The half was also memorable due to our rising three quarter star Moley, who showed the rest of the forwards how to catch a rugby ball at full tilt whilst doing up your shoelaces and scratching your arse – very impressive! A training session from Moley for the rest of the ‘slap happy’ forwards is hastily being arranged as I type!

The backs were particularly mesmerising this weekend often showing not only slick hands, but episodes of 20 metre passing straight from the Johnny Wilkinson book of coaching. The display was so impressive that the war cry from the forwards was heard ‘don’t give it to the backs they are just to good today, stick it up your jumper and lets roll it up the park’! As if!!!

It was also good to see Dave ‘they don’t like it up em’ Cox back amongst his soul brothers Westie and Moley, a more formidable and better looking front row you would, I would bet a small sum of money, not find in the whole of the South West.

No injuries today following the battlefield of N. Petherton two weeks ago. Even Capt Wren managed to stay on the park for the full match without incident (except the occasional dropped ball and wayward pass!).

Howie managed four conversions to get back in the groove following several weeks on the sideline due to a shoulder injury suffered whilst stretching awkwardly to plug in his ISDN port – invest in broadband Howie, you will carry on playing until your late forties!

An excellent result and a re-match planned for the early spring somewhere far, far away on the outer reaches of the County.

Away next week to the old foe Wiveliscombe, look out for the text on Tuesday!

Wyvern 20 - North Petherton 26

(Martin Howe's touchline view of the game)

Perfect rugby conditions and a Wyvern squad of 19 keen regulars made for a high speed start to the game, which seemed to catch Petherton unawares. However, the excellent home backs were soon running at and through the Wyvern defence, which remained secure thanks to the excellent covering by the forwards, who all played their part.

From very early on the referee was suffering from colour blindness, with only the ability to see red shirts infringing: it seemed from the touch-line that he had his arm in the air towards Petherton for most of the first half, much to the disgust of Taz Bailey.

After the initial Wyvern flurry, Petherton settled into their game plan of crash ball from the second phase, pull in the defence, release the backs to either punch through holes or run round the outside. Unfortunately they found a hole early on and shortly after this they ran round the outside into the corner.

The moment of the match then followed when rampant Ross Ward gathered Fish's restart kick and galloped past the startled Petherton Pack heading for the corner, another 'Ben Cohen' like sidestep (last week's was magnificent) left the tackler grabbing at air and our man sliding into the corner.

Heads up and hearts racing, the forwards ran the restart straight back at Petherton, making progress up the field and maintaining the pressure. This was rewarded with a penalty kick at goal by Fish, who casually slotted the ball away. The final say of the half was Petherton's, with a further converted try to lead 19-8.

The turn around saw a few positional changes and the arrival of Director of Rugby, Jon Wren in the centre. This was short lived as his first touch of the ball - catching an up and under from Fish - saw him thumped to the deck, from where he was assisted to the sideline, to allow attention to the abrasion on the side of his head and for someone to tell him what had been happening while he was 'out'!

The game continued in an ebb and flow manner, with controlled attacking play from Petherton while Wyvern fed from their mistakes and mis-kicks. Strong running from Rob Havill, now moved to full-back, saw defence turn to attack several times. One such gallop created a ruck from which Ross Ward set off again, creating a huge space and allowing Jason Squire to finish off the subsequent support play with a converted try under the posts.

Petherton came back and benefiting from some of the ref's decisions, were able to keep Wyvern pinned back in their own half. However, the tackling by the red shirts was very positive and the 'shirt slapping' of the early part of the game was now replaced with full on [and often head on] clashes.

One foray into the Petherton half provided Taz Bailey with an opportunity for an excellent individual try. From a ruck on the Petherton 22, only 2 metres in from the touchline, Taz picked up the ball and dashed through the gap on the very narrow side. The dash now over and still 15 metres to go he headed for the full back who chose to stand his ground and was bowled out of the way by the advancing Taz. Still with a few metres to go and with two men now pulling him to the ground, Taz launched himself with the ball at full extension above his head, reaching the line by a narrow margin. The missed kick meant the Wyvern had the narrowest of leads, 19-20 with 5 minutes to go.

Things then became very desperate and all involved, including the referee, were getting very on edge. In the end, the unerring Wyvern defence forced Petherton to use the boot again, but this time the race to the in goal area was won by the Petherton player [according to the referee some 30 metres away] and the game was lost.

A tremendous game of rugby, which though influenced by the referee seemingly against the Wyvern, was a credit the Sunday morning game. Fine performances from Heindrick, Moley, Ross, Rob and [proving he can tackle properly] Fish, though the whole squad should be congratulated on their outstanding effort.

No game on the 12th and the jury is still out on whether we will go to Milborne Port or they will come to us - keep an eye on the website for further news.

Wyvern RFC 33 Minehead 3rd XV 5

The ‘new shirt’ jinx has finally been lifted!

An able bodied but rather late Minehead XV faced a very different Wyvern when they visited Mountfields Road on Sunday morning. The late kick off enabled the beer ravaged Bluebird Paine and the irrepressible Ben Twickenham to appear for what they thought would be a beer but was in fact the second half!

The ‘munchbunch’ (aka Taz, Ross and Munch) were most definitely back in town with Ross ‘asthmatic’ Ward leading the charge from the kick off and running half the length of the pitch to set up several rucks and mauls which ended in Fishy the Fish timing a superb pass to the rampant Andy MPV (4x4) to score under the posts. Fishy, resplendent in his borrowed ‘smelly Hellie Hanson’ converted with ease. Despite the start Minehead were in no mood to be rolled over and, having shaken the journey out of their legs, showed fine pace and support play to score an excellent try in the corner. Perhaps this was not going to be as ‘easy’ as Capt Wren envisaged!

Further passages of play saw the ‘munchbunch’ devastating and the Minhead loose players, younger and possibly fitter (certainly in Ross’ case!) were continually dumped onto their rears with a terrific display of aggressive tackling that turned over a constant supply of loose possession for the Wyvern threequarters. Such play resulted in the second Wyvern score from Ross ‘lucky b*****d’ Ward who received the ball and, stumbling on his weaker right hand side, deceived the covering Minehead defence with a side step direct from the training manual of Jeremy Guscott.

If he was a back we would have believed he meant it!

Fishy, on fire, despite his personal trauma (the ginger chinchilla is now out of hospital and will soon be back at ‘Shout’ to keep Fishy company amongst all those passionate thirtysomethings), kicked the conversion with ease.

A special mention must go to the engine room of Eddie ‘attention’ Cullen and Ben ‘new bloke nicked from Taunton 3rds’ Goddard who shoved Minehead backwards on several occasions. Not an easy task, especially up the hill!

The second half saw some of the very best from the Wyvern this season. Kev Black was constantly scavenging for loose ball whilst his front row compatriots of Westie and Moley were often first to the breakdown (well ahead of Ross anyway) and in Moley’s case seen on more than one occasion to supply the ‘dive pass’ to release the backs.

The second half saw scores form the Bluebird, electric pace and lager fuelled dive, Ross (I am now sick of mentioning him) and Skippy Squire who was thrilled to have a new antipodean friend in flying winger Phil Kiwi. If only Heindricke was available our southern hemisphere trio would have been complete! I am now planning to scour the depths of Southern France to add an anglo French feel to the squad (bonjour mon petit oiseau etc etc) to enhance the international feel of the squad.

Fishy, gradually coming to terms with the fear of another evening with Hooley and his mums cauliflower cheese (with Stella Artois in it, apparently!) kicked two more conversions.

The game was, as ever, well refereed by Arthur who ensured a smooth free flowing game throughout.

A cameo in the last 5 minutes by Director of Rugby Jon Wren ensured the jinx of the new shirts was finally lifted and the victory was complete!

An excellent morning of rugby that illustrated just how far our club has come since the dark days of October 2005 when a team of nine went to Minhead and lost by an awful lot to nothing, borrowing six from the opposition!

Convivial beers in the bar were enjoyed by one and all and thoughts of next weeks game against North Petherton, at Pethie, were already on the mind of Captain Wren. A special thanks to Dave ‘la maison’ House who, deputising for our absent raffle queen Lois, was crowned Baron of the Raffle for the afternoon.

P.S. Tour places are filling fast, cheques to Director of Rugby’s P.A. Spud Murphy or, if he is unavailable due to work commitments (highly unlikely due to the impending finish of the ping pong season) just give Jon the cash (20 squid please, I need to know who is coming for the embroidery on the tour shirts!).

Wyvern RFC 5 Taunton 3rd XV 24

A sense of ‘dejavue’ was evident with the return of Taunton to the home of coarse rugby, Wyvern Park, on Sunday morning. Unfortunately the result was very similar, another loss in our shiny new shirts!

It was most definitely a game of two halves with Taunton victorious in the first by four tries to nil but a resurgent Wyvern coming good in the second half ‘winning’ by one try to nil. Unfortunately the aggregate score over the full 60 minutes is what counts, apparently!

With several injuries persisting and several members of the squad unavailable, the Wyvern strength in depth was still evident, a team and two reserves. Unfortunately there had to be several positional changes and a superb effort was made by one and all to accommodate the changes, especially as the match progressed into the second half.

Mad Max Hoyall showed that he really is wasted on the wing and played a great
game in the second row, the first time he had ever ventured into this department of the pack and was, by all accounts very comfy jammed between Westie and Moleys backside! I am now hunting for a second row by the name of Paddy! It can only be a matter of time before he is invited into the ‘Munchbunch’.

Heindricke Natal Free State showed his versatility by guesting in the immovable front row union of Moley and Westie. Heindricke maintained his ability to be every where, at all times, putting in his usual display of big hits and straight running.

The only try in the Wyvern score was well taken by the ever feisty Rob Havill showing great pace to score in the corner following the chasing and chivvying of our returning No 8 Taz ‘put them on their arse or I’ll put you on yours’ Bailey. Always ready to encourage and coerce all 14 players onto something bigger and better.

The three quarters of Jamie and Andy were impressive, as ever, although opportunities for the flying wingers of ‘little H’, Jez and the enigmatic John ‘Bluebird’ Paine were few and far between.

Fishy ‘The Fish’ Maurice was a little jetlagged by his flight from the Siberian depths of the little known Russian Ski resort of ‘Ouy Tnuc Hsif’ following his usual month long sojurn with his posh mates Anthony ‘Little Lord Fauntleroy’ Gothie et al .

The rivalry seems to be a little less intense these days and it was alleged that several spectators actually saw some of the Taunton players smiling during this fixture! Reg ‘I saw it but decided not to call it’ Lewis was as impressive as ever controlling matters with his usual phlegmatic and acidic wit!

Hopefully next week will see the return of familiar faces in familiar positions, Minehead at home, perhaps our first win in the new shirts is immanent!

Wyvern RFC 5 - Somerset Fire Brigade 12

Following the Christmas break Wyvern Park saw the annual arrival of the Firemen. Concerns a plenty as many of his colleagues made our incumbent firefighter Ross Ward look positively ‘weedy and unfit’ (quoted from a source inside the Wyvern dressing room) as they went through a warm up that would not have looked out of place at Baths Recreation ground. Some comfort was drawn from the trailing figure of ‘officeboy’ spud Murphy! At least we knew all 15 would not be ‘superfit’.

The Wyvern squad was yet again impressive with 21 players and several crocked old gits on the sidelines. All 21 players squabbled in the dressing room over who was going to get the 18 shiny new shirts for the team photo.

The match provided a far more evenly contested affair than the previous year when the brigade had been dominant in all areas and ran out easy victors. This year saw the Wyvern pack control matters in the first half under the stewardship of Mark Lees and pack leader Eddie ‘salvo’ Cullen. The best try of the season (yet!) showed just how good the Wyvern can be. Excellent ball from the marauding and guesting John Atkins led to Skippy Squire linking to the backs who, with consummate ease, moved the ball to our flying winger John ‘bluebird’ Paine to score in the corner. Mark Lees just missed the conversion.

It was noticeable that the pack were continually pushing the Brigade back, illustrating the strength of the new engine room of Jim ‘aaaaargh’ Duncan and our Orange Free State marauder Hendricke. The usual stability afforded by the front row was taken as read!

A further try seemed apparent when Mark Lees ghosted through the Brigade pack only to be undone by his failure to ground the ball! More from the coaching handbook of Taunton RFC!! Following the embarrassment of this situation it was accepted that Mark feigned an ankle injury and sloped off into the dressing room.

The Brigades superior fitness as well as the Wyvern slope, started to tell in the second half with the brigade scoring twice through powerful forward domination and slick elusive runners in the centre.

An entertaining afternoon that saw the return to Wyvern colours of Iain ‘La Grand Fromage’ Hockey, Dougle ‘moan like buggery at the ref and constantly whinge about his lack of fitness’ James and Mark ‘ouch me ribs’ Baters who all showed they still have the old magic!

Despite the loss an enjoyable afternoon was had by all. The bar was packed and Lois, our incumbent Raffle Queen, yet again raised a good amount in the raffle. Director of Rugby Jon Wren (thanks for all your concern – it was only a small break!) was demoted to Assistant barman to help out with the rush of Guiness that was being quaffed by the irrepressible Moley and to cope with the moans from Sicknote about the quality of the ‘Winters Tale Ale’.

An additional game featured on the Saturday with Wyvern visiting Wellington 3rds. I have little information on the fixture due to my severe leg injury, but apparently It was another excellent game with unfortunately a similar result, a 12 nil loss.

The first game of the New Year sees the return of Blake Bears and hopefully our first win of 2006!

Wyvern RFC 14 Taunton RFC 34

(Director of Rugby - temporarily not playing - Jon Wren reports from the touchline)

All good things have to come to an end! And what better way to lose our unbeaten run of three games to a Taunton invitation XV that included the usual mixture of 1st, 2nd and 3rd team players.

Another burgeoning squad of 24 saw most Wyvern players only have half a game – not good for continuity but a great relief to some at the end of 35 minutes! Mid season signings Hendrick ‘Northern Transval’ Chap and Max ‘another proper Welshman not like girlie Tinnie’ Hoyle both had promising debuts especially on the defensive front. I always thought South Africans couldn’t tackle!

Skippy Squire, back at his irrepressible best controlled matters at the base of the scrum whilst another new ‘old face’ Jim Odams guested in the munch bunch at No 8. The backrow were especially noticeable with many big hits throughout the game.

The touchline was like a trip down memory lane with several ‘Wyvern old timers’ that included Ian ‘la grand fromage’ Hockey, Martin ‘Howie’ Howe, Taz Bailey, Brendon Andrews and Stuart Longpants all boosting the crowd numbers to in excess 100! Tales of the ‘good old days’ abounded and hopes for possible comebacks were even muted amongst some (especially Howie and Taz who assured me that they would soon be fit)!

Despite several scores against, Wyvern were always in touch and it was only in the final quarter that Taunton, a little bit fitter, stretched away. Another excellent try from John ‘Bluebird’ Pane (his 3rd in 3 games), converted by Fishy Maurice and a stroll over from Andy Roadster, following some tenacious work from Skippy Squire, also converted by the Fish, accounted for the Wyvern points.

Westie Westwood, sporting some rather fancy markings to the face was heard to say what a quiet morning it had been in the pack. Yet again our front row union of Moley, Westie, Spud and guest Dan Selwood showed that this particular strength of the Wyvern will continue troubling all comers to Wyvern Park for a few seasons yet!

Despite the loss this was a creditable performance against probably the strongest opposition we will meet this year. I’ve heard that the firemen are a bunch of pussies who have a dodgy number 8 called Ross ‘asthmatic’ Ward playing for them. 

No worries there then! 

The next game is post Christmas on FRIDAY 30th (that’s two days before Sunday) at the Wyvern against the Firemen, kick off at 2:30 (That’s 3 ½ hours after 11:00 our usual time!!). Keep the training going over Christmas and remember Moleys fitness regime, which I am trusting you are all keeping to, will not accept any slacking in the crisps and beer department! 

Despite rumours to the contrary I have NOT retired and will NOT be taking up a similar role as player/coach/Director of Rugby at Sarecens. Mrs Wren did not like the colour of their shirts, especially when we will have brand new shiny red shirts with short sleeves, an emblem and padding in the shoulders for the Brigade game!

Happy Christmas! 

Mother Nature ‘Lots’ Wyvern RFC ‘Nil’

(A disappointed Director of Rugby laments on the day)

This rugby weekend started with a frantic phone call from habitual malingerer Lennie ‘sicknote’ Lennard on Friday evening to Capt Wren’s wife Mrs Wren, reporting the gradual disappearance under water of Wyvern Park. ‘Sicknotes’ protestations and visions of doom were dismissed as mere ‘jackanory’ from Director of Coaching/Rugby Jon Wren (a more appropriate ‘catch all’ title) in an attempt to guarantee a comfortable Sunday morning for Lennie in the bar, rather than on the pitch. Unduly concerned by such reports Capt Wren sent his ‘batman’ (aka Fixtures Secretary Howie) in glorious winter sunshine, to investigate matters further.

Apologies to Lennie whose honesty I should never have doubted! 

Fortress Wyvern was indeed under several inches of water and apparently still sinking. A management decision to abandon all hope of playing was taken. A further inspection on Sunday morning saw a shoal of mackerel moving towards the clubhouse end and icebergs seen moving North towards the cricket square! 

Reports were soon in of Hooley, fresh faced from Dubai, caught interfering with several young swans (or ugly ducklings if you want to get biological and correct) in the shallow waters. An RSPCA warden was called by a concerned member of the public (Martin Reid) and Hooley was last seen heading towards Hatch Beauchamp in the back of a small white van.

Wyvern’s very own amateur meteorologist, Andrew ‘Moley’ Freeman was quickly ‘on the scene’ to asses matters. When asked for his professional opinion on the cause of the flooding he replied, with great authority, ‘it was probably the rain we’ve had recently’. Not only the cornerstone of the Wyvern Pack but an astute and gifted weatherman.

Despite Capt Wrens attempts to reform last seasons Wyvern synchronised swimming 1st XV (Dougle and Fishy – they know what I’m talking about!) the mornings entertainment had been undone. Howie spent Sunday taking photographs of the pitch for prosperities sake!

The assembled squad of 26 (without Howie, Dir Coaching/Rugby Capt Wren and Fishy ‘Taunton 2nd XV’ Maurice!!) were undoubtedly disappointed following the txt on Saturday evening but will, I am sure, be raring to get back into action when one of our longest rivalries, and friendliest of matches, takes place against Bridgewater 3rds on the 18th Dec.

Bloody global warming!!

Wyvern RFC 17 Blake Bears 10

(Director of Coaching, Jon Wren, in effervescent mood)

Following the previous success of victories against Wellington RFC and Spaxton RFC, hopes were high of the ‘hat trick’ against old rivals Blake Bears. The previous encounter had seen the Bears run out easy victors and Director of Rugby Jon Wren was keen to even matters up.

A sojourn up the M5 to watch the Albion lose to Harlequins on Saturday afternoon led to the rather embarrassing situation where Dean Richards, keen for advice from Dougle James about refereeing the offside law, approached Jon Wren, enquiring whether Deano and Andrew (Mehrtens!) might have a ‘run-out’ on Sunday for the most successful side in the area. Considering their age, and obvious lack of match fitness, only a place on the bench was offered by Jon Wren who could only guarantee them 10 minutes ‘and that would probably be on the wing’.

Back to the game; 

Despite several players being unavailable due to injury and others with work and shopping commitments, a squad of 19 was assembled. Unfortunately this was reduced to 16 on the morning of the match and an injury in the first 5 minutes to Mark Bateman saw Captain Wren down to an unaccustomed 15. 

But what a 15!!!

Despite losing an early score against the run of play, Wyvern battled as if the season depended on the result. Number 8 Shrek was in combative mode and stole the ball from a small Bear, linked with Ross Ward who fed the ever present and electric trainee scrum-half John ‘Bluebird’ Paine to score under the posts. Gareth Hughes, guesting at fly-half, converted with minimum fuss and apparently minimum effort!

A slender lead at half time was added to soon after the break with another ‘cool hand Luke’ style penalty by Gareth Hughes to stretch the Wyvern lead to 5 points. The Bears were determined not to roll over and the defence of Munch, H, Ross and Moley was outstanding. Westie appeared to find a new friend and apparent ‘apprentice’ Kev Black, who often appeared foraging on the Bears side as often as, and in conjunction with, the irrepressible Westie Westwood! Apparently no offside in this game!

The threequarters of Jamie Pollard and Andy Coupe were a constant threat, releasing the slightly drunk but totally committed Lennie ‘sicknote’ Lennox who looked dangerous on several occasions and slightly suicidal on one! It’s amazing what a bottle of Gin can do to a man!

Despite this defensive strength Bears evened matters up with a good score, which went unconverted. Wyvern were obviously not prepared to settle for the draw and Munch, rampant up the middle, chipped into the corner. The following srum signalled the opportunity for the unfitest player on the park, Ross Ward to asthmatically meander over and under the posts for the match wining try. Despite the score, Director of Rugby Jon Wren has put in place a new fitness regime for Ross under the close and professional guidance of our very own health ‘guru’ Moley! Apparently Guiness and crisps (cheese and onion) are two of Moley’s closely guarded secrets!

Gareth Hughes without fuss or bother slotted the kick to take his personal tally on the day to seven points.

This was a fantastic result, which clearly illustrated the new commitment and determination that has been brought to the club by so many new players. The steadying influence of old hands such as Westie, Shrek and Hughsie coupled with the pace and fitness of Moley and Big H and the dynamic running of Ross, John, Andy and Jamie, ensured that this was always going to be the ‘hat-trick’ of victories that Capt Wren wanted. 

The ‘poisoned chalice’ of the Wyvern Captaincy has now become the ‘goblet of Stella Artois’. My comprehensive notes and annotations of the last three weeks performances show clearly the reason behind our success – Fifteen players on the pitch!!

Don’t forget tour deposits ASAP please. Next week see the return of Wivvy to fortress ‘Wyvern Park’. Look out for the text on Wednesday and get the Christmas shopping done on Saturday!

Wyvern RFC 25 Wellington 3rdXV 17

(Director of Rugby - and he played this week - Jon Wren writes)

A mist shrouded Wyvern Park saw another burgeoning squad (23 players and Hooley) face the 'old enemy' Wellington 'threes'. The growing number of players shows no sign of abating and, yet again, Director of Rugby Jon Wren was faced with selection problems due to the Wednesday night text response.

Further additions will be made to the squad in the next few days when the Australian and Northern Territories fly half Cody 'crocodile' Brown flies in. Apparently he has chosen to play for one of the more successful teams in the area!! I have also been approached by Orange County (South Africa) fullback, Johansen Pieter Gerber (nephew twice removed from Danny Gerber, the influential S. African centre from the 80's) about the odd game.

Two new arrivals and a couple of old farts certainly made their mark on the Wellington game. Jamie Pollard and Andy Hatchback, dominant in the centre, were the focus of several first half attacks, whilst oldtimer Taz Bailey was at his ferocious best, complemented by our smooth running and try scoring (two) fullback, Gareth Hughes. 

Martin Howe showed he still has the pace and verve to impress by scoring an excellent individual try to open the scoring. It was only his gasping for oxygen and the weary trudge back to attempt the conversion that gave away his 40 years!!

The remainder of the first half was superb with the 'munch bunch' of Taz, Ross and Munch first to every breakdown, constantly pouncing on any loose possession. They were complemented by the ever supporting Shrek and the slightly tired Big H. 

A return to the game by Mark Bateman (last seen in shorts in November 1987) at hooker (four against the head this morning - a bit disappointing!) boosted the ever present and immovable front row union of man-mountain Moley and the irrepressible Westie 'I'm a medium now you know' Westwood. At one stage Moley broke into a gentle jog (he did have half the Wellington pack on his back) and then casually passed out to Andy Estate who fed Gareth Hughes for his first try. Further forward power later in the half saw Taz score in the corner. Jez Harris looked pacy and menacing (even without the ball) and could and should, have scored two further tries with his elusive running.

A special moment today for Matt Topsham, who actually played in his chosen position, scrum half. Skippy looked on unflustered claiming Matts passing might be better than his but remember what happened to the last scrum half that took his place (the now hospitalised and concussed Rob Havill). 

A late first half penalty (as instructed by Director of Rugby Jon Wren, who claims to always see the whole picture) saw Wyvern turn in at half time 17-5 in the lead.

A strong second half response by Wellington saw them move to within 3 points, but a further try by Gareth Hughes who was still in 'Paintball' mode, attacking and killing anything that moved (along with munch), converted by Taunton 1st XV guest Fishy Maurice, saw Wyvern ease away and secure their second win 'on the trot'. Several team changes saw a variety of personnel come and go during the second half with Kevin 'new hooker' Black carrying on where Mark B had left off! Little M almost opened his try account with a searing run whilst Matt Sweeting and John Fellingham both joined in the foray.

Many thanks to Barry 'proper Welshman not like girlie Tinney' James for refereeing the game far more competently than Howie or Dougle ever could do! AND HE IS WELSH!!

Another excellent mornings entertainment was completed by a few orange juice and lemonades in the bar. A quick thank you to Lois who raised £50 in the raffle with her exceptionally persuasive manner! 

Next Sunday sees the rematch with Blake Bears at Morganians ground in Bridgwater. A win would even up affairs following the Bears comprehensive victory at the start of this season. Look out for the text on Wednesday evening. 

Wyvern RFC 17 - Spaxton RFC 7

(Director of Coaching, Jon Wren writes)

They say a week is a long time in politics, they want to try a month as Captain of Wyvern RFC!

Three weeks of only 9 players, a crisis meeting, threats of resignation, followed by local publicity, e-mails to every department in County Hall and a ‘meet and greet’ session last week, saw a transformation in the clubs floundering fortunes. The Wyvern Phoenix was rising! My usual group text was sent out on Wednesday and 26 players responded with a ‘yes’. I felt like the man from Del Monte!

Selection problems are a real luxury that I have never been afforded before, and the immediate setting up of a ‘selection committee’ saw all the players old and new have at least half a game at a very wet Wyvern Park, with the exception of the newly appointed Director of Coaching Captain Wren, who failed to substitute himself onto the park due to the plethora of talented backs and comments from certain individuals that he would only drop the ball anyway!

It was especially pleasing to come away with a victory following the recruitment of so many new individuals who had not played together. The Spaxton tactics remained unchanged from last season, stick it up the jumper of any one of 15 big blokes and roll away up the pitch. Their first score, well converted, was a product of this play. Wyvern quickly hit back with fast running and hard tackling centre Barry ‘proper Welshman not like girlie Tinney’ James accelerating into the corner and touching down, following some excellent chasing by Gareth Hughes. The Wyvern defence was resolute throughout the first half and no matter how big the Spaxton forwards were, the ‘MunchBunch (aka Taz, Guy and Eddie with guest appearances from Ross and Shrek) dealt with any insurgencies with devastating efficiency!

The second half saw Wyvern utilise the pace of the backs with James Anderson and John Pain at full tilt, narrowly failing to score on several occasions. The introduction of Jimmy the Fish prior to half time allowed more territorial possession to be won. He has learnt so many new skills since joining Taunton RFC!! 

Scrum half Rob ‘broken and bloodied nose’ Havill scored an excellent try to push Wyvern into the lead. The conversion, a very easy one, was competently missed by Fishy. Rob’s determination to get back on the pitch despite losing about two pints of blood from his argument with a Spaxton elbow was testament to the determined and committed display from all 24 players involved, especially Rob. Fun Sunday rugby!

Robs W-S-M shorts led to the question “do you know Jimmy Maurice?” The reply “the name rings a bell but there are a lot of younger players at Weston now, I think he has dropped down a league or seven to play for Taunton” - HA HA HA HA made my day that did! 

Continued excellent play from every one on the pitch, including the re-appearance of Jim aaaaargh Duncan and Westy ‘we all thought he was dead’ Westwood saw Wyvern score the third and best try of the afternoon. Superb forward play with quick possession from James Anderson released our new flying wing Jon ‘Bluebird’ Pain who blitzed the Spaxton defence and scored with consummate ease in the corner. The lead was further stretched by a very average and rather easy conversion from the Fish.

Stalwarts throughout were man mountain Moley, tackling anything that moved (including Taz on two occasions) Spud ‘I’m a winger really not a prop’ Murphy and Matt ’20 metre pass’ Shane .

An emotional and fatigued Captain Wren fought back tears of joy at the victory and tears of concern over how he is going to win his place back in the team! Stella Artois in the dressing room was followed by a convivial pint in the clubhouse post match.

A big thank you to every one who has supported the club over the last few weeks. To see so many players on and beside the pitch is a great relief and a good omen for the future of the club, especially as many of our new faces are on the right side of thirty (Taz)!

No game next week and then Wellington at home on the 20th November. I look forward to having the same dilemmas as this week.

Minehead 2nd XV ‘An awful lot’ Wyvern 1st X (no that is ten!) Very few, if any!

Another glorious Autumn morning saw the disappointing ensemble of only ten Wyvern players arrive at County Hall. Robbed by injury and ‘nasty tummy bugs’ Wyvern decided to set off ‘once more into the breach’. Unfortunately Minehead were still in Merit table mode and had a very impressive looking squad of second and first team (apparently recovering from injury) players which outplayed Wyvern in just about all departments. Without their generosity in lending five, yes five players the morning might have fallen into an even more laughable farce. This is the second time in three weeks that Wyvern have had to borrow so many players. Not conducive to free flowing rugby and not overly conducive to a mornings entertainment, unless you’re the opposition!

Many thanks to the Minhead lads who helped us out and to the elite Wyvern players who actually played, especially King Will, who although late, arrived as a last gasp back.

I am becoming increasingly concerned and very very fed up as I see the squad decimated with several regular players now sidelined through injury or previous players who are not available for lengthy periods of time due to a variety of commitments. A worrying trend is developing where fewer players to call on leads to heavy defeats, which in turn leads to fewer players willing to play if they believe they are going to get beaten! 

The Wyvern has a unique place in local rugby and it would be a great shame to see it fall into ‘disrepair’. The support of all players, past and present, is now required if the current forlorn state of the squad is to be addressed. This support is essential if the ‘fun’ element of Wyvern is to continue. Weekly ‘thrashings’ are not good for the ego or for the ageing bodies! 

A very depressed and Prozac wielding Captain Bench. 

Wyvern 5 Howie's Invitation XV 0

(Captain Wren Reporting)

A beautiful autumnal morning welcomed the biggest crowd ever seen at Wyvern Park (conservative estimates 3000) for the continued celebration of Martin Howes 40th birthday and 20 years of continued representation of social rugby’s finest, Wyvern RFC.

A superb turnout ensured two large squads of players, which encompassed a ‘first time caller’ for the Wyvern, the impressive half brother of ‘Lennie Sicknote Lennox’, Ross Ward and the arrival of several bygone players who most certainly showed that the magic is still there, although the body might be a little reluctant.

If Spandau Ballet had been playing in the background it could have been 1987! 

The size of the Invitation XV raised a few eyebrows amongst the Wyvern players. At approximately 18 stone a man it was always going to be close! Former Taunton RFC Colts players Gareth Cooper and Gareth ‘Benny’ Bridle where welcome guests as were the Odam brothers, Pat the Sack (still a slimline 6ft 2in and 17 stone), Clem ‘no I do not want to play every Sunday’, Andy Terry, Brendan ‘Budgie’ Andrews and several other old, but familiar faces. 

The burgeoning crowd included several former Wyvern ‘greats’ such as Bobbie Mac, Mr Halligan senior and Andy Higham. All ‘champing at the bit’ to get on the pitch! Hooly was also there resplendent in red, eating yoghurt! What a tart!

Proceedings were started by Mr Howe senior. His drop kick was so impressive requests were made by all and the start was repeated three times. This wetted the crowds appetite for what was to come!

A nil all draw appeared on the cards as Wyvern fought impressively to win their first game of the season but with the Invitation XV continually turning over wyvern possession and trundling back up the pitch, it soon became evident that one score ‘might just do it’.

Wyvern fly half Jim ‘The Fish’ Maurice, passed fit at the 11th hour by club physio/Capt Jon Wren, marshalled matters well, keeping a cool and often disinterested head whilst those around him were ‘panicking’. The entire pack led by Taz Baily tackled remorselessly, stopping everything in their path, most impressively Jim Odam and the quick witted (or is it dim witted?) Gothie.

Despite bribes of a free orange energy drink (I don’t like orange!) a plate of sausage and chips (I’m not hungry) and a ‘fix’ in the wyvern raffle (red wine is a gay drink) Jimmy ‘the fish’ remained unsure of his future at the Wyvern, as he felt his presence might be needed ‘elsewhere’. Personally I think the move from amateur to ‘professional’ status that the Wyvern has encompassed since the stewardship of Corporal Dougal James and Capt Bench Wren is a little intimidating for him and he prefers his fun ‘social’ rugby at Taunton!

Back to the match…….the breakthrough that was destined to happen came when Rod ‘supersub Persil’ Cockram was released on the right wing to link with Taz Bailey, who found Ross Ward in support and the try was scored. Wyverns first victory of the year was in sight. A last gasp attack saw Rod at the centre of the action again. A superb tackle on birthday boy Howie ensured that the try scoring pass was knocked to the ground. 

The final whistle was a relief to all the players, especially the Wyvern. A mention must go to Neil Symonds, who refereed the game in great fashion and was key to the mornings entertainment.

A fantastic mornings rugby that represented much of what the Wyvern is all about. Many thanks to all the players, former and present, that turned out. The very best way to recognise the hard work and dedication that Martin ‘Howie’ Howe has put into the club over the last twenty years. 

Capt Wren is still pondering why it takes forty phone calls to raise thirteen players and Hooly every Sunday! Any past players who feel the need to relive those Spandau Ballet moments will be welcomed back into the fold with great enthusiasm!

Minhead away awaits next weekend, back to thirteen!

Wiveliscombe 34 - Wyvern 17

(Captain Wren Reports)

Two down and two defeats - an inauspicious start to the new season! The previous weeks defeat by Blake ‘Bridgwater and Albion’ Bears was followed by a much improved, but unfortunately identical result.

New faces a plenty, the match was dominated by the appearance of the three ‘Kings' Will, Harry and Charlie. The public school system should never be abolished! Thank you Ben and Paul (Wellington RFC) for providing our meagre squad of 12 with the requisite numbers to enable the game to take place. 

An evenly contested game saw a rather lopsided score line, which did not reflect the part Wyvern played in a very entertaining mornings rugby. Front row stalwarts Spud and Moley ensured that things did not creak to much (except Eddie ‘marauder’ Cullen’s knees) and a genuine, real and tall looking second row (Ben ‘size 16 feet’ Twickenham and King Harry) providing the horsepower in the scrums. Taz Bailey was at his intimidating best clearing up, clearing out and generally flattening anyone who dared to stray around the fringes. Ben Mangham, Wellington stalwart, provided the blindside with the rich aroma of Kenco coffee and ensured nothing went by in his direction. Three early scores put Wyvern on the back foot but a lengthy passage of play saw ‘superfit’ and ‘supertrim’ Spud ‘utility’ Murphy shimmy, sidestep and fallover the try line to score. Howie converted.

A further superb try from ageing veteran Martin ‘Howie’ Howe (he really is only 40!) provided a chink of light but Wiveliscombe came back with three further scores via some very quick backs and some excellent slick handling. Eddie Cullen’s continued rampaging provided a constant supply of possession for Wiveliscombe as no one from the Wyvern was able to keep up with him – look out Afghanistan he is on his way! 

Half time saw the advent of the Harrison ‘brothers’ ‘big H’ and ‘little M’ for the first, and I am sure not the last (another few seasons yet H!) time in Wyvern red. Harry was at his trundling best whilst Mike showed pace and verve almost scoring on his debut. He also wore a rather snazzy and very new pair of shorts that will undoubtedly be stolen over the next few weeks in they are not aged by several washes in the machine (sort it please Lois)

Matt Topsham looked quietly confident in the centre almost providing running fullback Gareth Hughes and our flying wingers with the pass that might have evened matters up. A final passage of play saw ‘King Charlie’ score an excellent try in the corner, out sprinting the fastest bloke on the pitch to register a much deserved try.

An excellent, although losing, mornings rugby that was completed by the Wiveliscombe ‘commentary’ from the game and frozen pasties for lunch! 

Next week should be a festival of veteran rugby as Martin Howe celebrates his 40th birthday and 20 seasons of Wyvern rugby. The Saturday night disco should provide Capt Wren with the opportunity to spike the drinks of the opposition and hopefully allow the first win of the season to be registered!

Concerns over the ‘mystery’ fullback have been put to one side as I have now found out that it is not Dusty Hare but his England understudy from the 1980’s John ‘the warranty lasts till you can't see the garage’ Howe senior. 

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